Rachel this piece is simply incredible! I related on so many levels, as a tough and stoic oldest daughter, now a mother of 3, and also as a former Neurosurgical ICU nurse. ❤️
When they were little, I always tried my hardest not to tell my son’s not to cry, instead just to hold them when they did so. But now that they’re slightly older, I haven’t seen them cry in years. My older son cried when my father died.
I also think that maybe this ease with which we cry comes with age. I had never seen my father cry, but as he grew older, more and more things would bring tears to his eyes.
That is true. From the start I try not to bring in the stereotypes of male/female with my kids, so I forgot that subconsciously i might have been harsher to my son too. Not helping is that he's the elder one now too! It might be true that we stop crying at some point and start again later in life, interesting thought...
It was so interesting to read your piece, Rachel! Several touchpoints around our Asian culture struck home. For me, there were several bereavements early in my childhood. So, I observed and navigated grief and tears from a young age. I didn't feel censored in my crying, but I saw many expressions/non-expressions of grief.
My article 'Can't Cry. Want to cry?' highlights my ambivalence about tears while, at the same time, feeling less capable of tears. However, I attribute this more to the effect of caregiving. The British Stiff upper lip is not really something I think I do either, nor the hard 'Grit', tough it out.
I've some awesome friends who literally sit and listen to me Blub my way through talking crying something out. In the darkest time, on the phone or when we managed to meet—not rushing me, not interrupting, not trying to decipher what I was saying (they may not have understood me given my incoherent words!) they sat and could listen, receive, pass me tissues and I think wine at the time. Chosen-family are blessings. Oh, and then they fed me!
Exactly, Rachel! It's the weird contradiction that still feels weird. It feels like it doubles down on not neatly fitting in a box...then there really is NO box anyway! BUT also as I commented in Anna's article, when I do cry it feels more 'potent', like I'm pouring in more emotion in less water. Like I said - weird!
Rachel I appreciate the vulnerability you show in this piece, sharing situations where you do and don't cry. And I love your conclusion that there is no right or wrong in crying.
I'd be interested to hear more about your retreat with friends. That sounds really beautiful.
Rachel this piece is simply incredible! I related on so many levels, as a tough and stoic oldest daughter, now a mother of 3, and also as a former Neurosurgical ICU nurse. ❤️
Thank you Kristin. We need tough people in this world. :) but yes, let us cry when we can or when we need to...
Yes please. I’ve been crying more, mostly in private because that’s where I’m comfortable crying and that’s okay.
Also, crying is especially frowned upon in males.
When they were little, I always tried my hardest not to tell my son’s not to cry, instead just to hold them when they did so. But now that they’re slightly older, I haven’t seen them cry in years. My older son cried when my father died.
I also think that maybe this ease with which we cry comes with age. I had never seen my father cry, but as he grew older, more and more things would bring tears to his eyes.
That is true. From the start I try not to bring in the stereotypes of male/female with my kids, so I forgot that subconsciously i might have been harsher to my son too. Not helping is that he's the elder one now too! It might be true that we stop crying at some point and start again later in life, interesting thought...
It was so interesting to read your piece, Rachel! Several touchpoints around our Asian culture struck home. For me, there were several bereavements early in my childhood. So, I observed and navigated grief and tears from a young age. I didn't feel censored in my crying, but I saw many expressions/non-expressions of grief.
My article 'Can't Cry. Want to cry?' highlights my ambivalence about tears while, at the same time, feeling less capable of tears. However, I attribute this more to the effect of caregiving. The British Stiff upper lip is not really something I think I do either, nor the hard 'Grit', tough it out.
I've some awesome friends who literally sit and listen to me Blub my way through talking crying something out. In the darkest time, on the phone or when we managed to meet—not rushing me, not interrupting, not trying to decipher what I was saying (they may not have understood me given my incoherent words!) they sat and could listen, receive, pass me tissues and I think wine at the time. Chosen-family are blessings. Oh, and then they fed me!
Thanks for sharing how your chosen family sit and listen and be there when you cry. I want to be like that too to my family and friends!
Life has so many facets and it's interesting how caregiving made you less capable of tears while personally you actually weren't censored with it!
Exactly, Rachel! It's the weird contradiction that still feels weird. It feels like it doubles down on not neatly fitting in a box...then there really is NO box anyway! BUT also as I commented in Anna's article, when I do cry it feels more 'potent', like I'm pouring in more emotion in less water. Like I said - weird!
Rachel I appreciate the vulnerability you show in this piece, sharing situations where you do and don't cry. And I love your conclusion that there is no right or wrong in crying.
I'd be interested to hear more about your retreat with friends. That sounds really beautiful.
Thank you for all you shared!