Hi Istiaq, thank you so much for your kind words! Writing is definitely a good one. Tears will well up and I'll feel my heart tightening though when looking at pictures, maybe I just need more time. Celebrating them by remembering what they taught you is a really nice idea, it'll be nice to pass it on too if possible!
ššŖ½ a touching and poignant piece Rachel. as someone living far away from her family i often think about how it would be to have to rush home in the event of having to say goodbye someone close to me. thank you for sharing and iām sending you hugs!
Thank you for reading Mel. Yeah, I think about this rushing home too; I still have many old loved ones back in Malaysia. It can be difficult to be far away from them. Let's hope we all have more time left to spend with them. Hugs!
Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my father to cancer which was diagnosed 7 yrs. earlier. He had a high quality life during those years and my doctor-sister was the medical health care advocate for him.
I was able to fly 2,000 km. (Canada is a big country.) and say good bye to him in pallative care. Then he died a month later....as predicted by my sister who has seen cancer patients near end of life and able to see certain trends.
Thank you. I'm sorry for your odd too. I'm glad you get to also say your goodbye. Palliative care is such an important care that we unfortunately often overlooked or like us desperately looking for one only at the moment of need and found that they are limited.
I absolutely love this essay, Rachel. It's a very tough subject to write, yet your sentiments flow naturally on the page, with a blend of agony, nostalgia, gratitude and humor. I resonate so much with what you said about Chinese families, especially the men, not expressing their feelings to one another. Your memory of the last moments with your dad, and the awkwardness of not knowing what to say/how to say goodbye, brought back my own memories of my late father on his hospital bed. I was told by the palliative doctor to say four things to my dad (the details of which I've forgotten). Mainly, it was to thank him and to forgive him. And I did, in tears and unwillingness, coz I didn't want him to die. Back to your story, it was really touching to read how your dad touched your baby in his last moments, and that you would eat green tea ice cream in remembrance of him. I completely agree that the dead continues to live in us. It has been my experience.
Thank you, Louisa. So glad you get to also tell your dad things at the last moments, albeit unwillingly. Aren't we all unwilling for our loved ones to go, but life is as such. And so we live on with them in us. I guess that's the circle of life?
Rachel, this is a beautiful reflection. You know I write a lot about grief too, and your line, "The fact that it still feels very weird when I think that my dad is no longer in this world proves that I have not" is so poignant and shows how grief really never goes away. Thank you for sharing about your dad.
Such a touching post. I have lost my mom last year in September and I didnāt get to say goodbye but several things that you mentioned definitely seems to be overlapping with with I have been going through. To me writing always helped ā¦ as well
Thank you for sharing this Rachel. So touchingā¦ I had such a hard time saying goodbye to my father as well. Definitely did not want him to realize that he was dying. My daughter was courageous and able to say goodbye. Iāll look through the writing practice you mentionedā¦ Itās been a while since I wrote my father. Your story brought me to tears as well, thank you for sharing. I really donāt know how to deal with emotions š„“
Don't most of us Asians have this problem! I am glad your daughter is courageous and can find the words unlike us. I can only hope the same for my children. Yes, please do try out the writing protocol, and let me know!
Yes... My daughter was braver than me. In fact, both of my kids tell me all the time they donāt want me to die. š„“ my therapist says theyāre telling me that they love me.
This is such a beautiful post Rachel. It's still hard for me to think about some of the days leading up to my father's death, mostly the more complicated emotions. I journal about it, or sit at the beach and allow myself to feel the emotions relating to it all. Usually, when I'm at the beach, I tend to be alone or find a spot away from people so I could cry if I need to.
Hugs. I can totally relate. A beach is definitely a beautiful place to do contemplation when one has access to it. I find the sounds of waves lapping very soothing and I always love a horizon view. It brings many things into perspective!
Hi Rachel, this made me cry , especially about you finding the green tea ice creams your dad bought in the fridge š I really resonated too with the struggle of expressing emotions and saying goodbye - even though I feel I'm emotionally expressive by nature, when I'm with my family, it's like that part of me curls up into a ball and can't say or express anything even though inside I may be swamped with emotions.
I think the moment when you said thank you to your dad for being your dad, by his bedside, meant everything, and I felt from his response to you that he felt and understood all the words that were not said. I wasn't able to say goodbye to my grandmother, who brought me up in my early childhood, after she passed away suddenly while I was miles from home. After her death, I wrote her a letter full of everything I never had a chance to say to her and would never share with anyone else and burned it to send it to her in the same way that paper offerings are burnt for those who have passed on in Chinese culture.
It's 12 years on now, and almost all of the writing I do is still inspired in some way by my relationship and connection with my grandmother, and the grief I continue to feel for not having been able to say goodbye in her final moment. Similar to your reflection that we never really say goodbye as the departed live on in us, I feel that in this way, my grandmother lives on in me and with me through all that I feel and write about, and in the way I see and appreciate the beauty in life and living in the moment today šŖ»āļøāØ
I wrote more about my personal rituals to honour my grandmother's memory here
Hi Suyin, thank you for the heartfelt reply! Burning the letter to your grandma is such a significant gesture, I as a Chinese can definitely feel it! It's a really nice thought to see your grandmother living through you and your actions and your writing, which I can also read. ā¤ļø
A very moving piece Rachel! One I can relate in so many ways!
You are so right that with most Chinese families, our love for each other is usually not communicated, and treated as if it is a given (and we all know that is not a very accurate assumption). I, for one, am still struggling to express my emotions verbally, and still running away from emotional intimacy every chance I get.
Not too long ago, I wrote a piece about my mom, and I asked my cousin who is a designer to help print it into a book, and gave it to my mom on her 90th birthday. Even for that, we managed to never talk about it :-).
Thank you for sharing this! I also resonate with how you describe the non-verbal means of communication between Chinese families. I love that you wrote a series on your mum and I look forward to reading it too šø
Rachel - I feel like I know you so well after reading this! What I know about you: you are very strong for all the balancing acts you had to do. Being a mother, wife, and daughter all at the same time while grieving is not an easy thing.
How I deal with grief: writing. looking at pictures. keeping people alive in my mind and trying to celebrate them by remembering what they taught me.
Hi Istiaq, thank you so much for your kind words! Writing is definitely a good one. Tears will well up and I'll feel my heart tightening though when looking at pictures, maybe I just need more time. Celebrating them by remembering what they taught you is a really nice idea, it'll be nice to pass it on too if possible!
ššŖ½ a touching and poignant piece Rachel. as someone living far away from her family i often think about how it would be to have to rush home in the event of having to say goodbye someone close to me. thank you for sharing and iām sending you hugs!
Thank you for reading Mel. Yeah, I think about this rushing home too; I still have many old loved ones back in Malaysia. It can be difficult to be far away from them. Let's hope we all have more time left to spend with them. Hugs!
Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my father to cancer which was diagnosed 7 yrs. earlier. He had a high quality life during those years and my doctor-sister was the medical health care advocate for him.
I was able to fly 2,000 km. (Canada is a big country.) and say good bye to him in pallative care. Then he died a month later....as predicted by my sister who has seen cancer patients near end of life and able to see certain trends.
Thank you. I'm sorry for your odd too. I'm glad you get to also say your goodbye. Palliative care is such an important care that we unfortunately often overlooked or like us desperately looking for one only at the moment of need and found that they are limited.
I absolutely love this essay, Rachel. It's a very tough subject to write, yet your sentiments flow naturally on the page, with a blend of agony, nostalgia, gratitude and humor. I resonate so much with what you said about Chinese families, especially the men, not expressing their feelings to one another. Your memory of the last moments with your dad, and the awkwardness of not knowing what to say/how to say goodbye, brought back my own memories of my late father on his hospital bed. I was told by the palliative doctor to say four things to my dad (the details of which I've forgotten). Mainly, it was to thank him and to forgive him. And I did, in tears and unwillingness, coz I didn't want him to die. Back to your story, it was really touching to read how your dad touched your baby in his last moments, and that you would eat green tea ice cream in remembrance of him. I completely agree that the dead continues to live in us. It has been my experience.
Thank you, Louisa. So glad you get to also tell your dad things at the last moments, albeit unwillingly. Aren't we all unwilling for our loved ones to go, but life is as such. And so we live on with them in us. I guess that's the circle of life?
Rachel, this is a beautiful reflection. You know I write a lot about grief too, and your line, "The fact that it still feels very weird when I think that my dad is no longer in this world proves that I have not" is so poignant and shows how grief really never goes away. Thank you for sharing about your dad.
Thank you Tiffany. Grief is probably something we will live with our whole lives, and it's ok. I'll check out your posts on that!
Such a touching post. I have lost my mom last year in September and I didnāt get to say goodbye but several things that you mentioned definitely seems to be overlapping with with I have been going through. To me writing always helped ā¦ as well
Thank you for sharing this Rachel. So touchingā¦ I had such a hard time saying goodbye to my father as well. Definitely did not want him to realize that he was dying. My daughter was courageous and able to say goodbye. Iāll look through the writing practice you mentionedā¦ Itās been a while since I wrote my father. Your story brought me to tears as well, thank you for sharing. I really donāt know how to deal with emotions š„“
Don't most of us Asians have this problem! I am glad your daughter is courageous and can find the words unlike us. I can only hope the same for my children. Yes, please do try out the writing protocol, and let me know!
Yes... My daughter was braver than me. In fact, both of my kids tell me all the time they donāt want me to die. š„“ my therapist says theyāre telling me that they love me.
This is such a beautiful post Rachel. It's still hard for me to think about some of the days leading up to my father's death, mostly the more complicated emotions. I journal about it, or sit at the beach and allow myself to feel the emotions relating to it all. Usually, when I'm at the beach, I tend to be alone or find a spot away from people so I could cry if I need to.
Hugs. I can totally relate. A beach is definitely a beautiful place to do contemplation when one has access to it. I find the sounds of waves lapping very soothing and I always love a horizon view. It brings many things into perspective!
Hi Rachel, this made me cry , especially about you finding the green tea ice creams your dad bought in the fridge š I really resonated too with the struggle of expressing emotions and saying goodbye - even though I feel I'm emotionally expressive by nature, when I'm with my family, it's like that part of me curls up into a ball and can't say or express anything even though inside I may be swamped with emotions.
I think the moment when you said thank you to your dad for being your dad, by his bedside, meant everything, and I felt from his response to you that he felt and understood all the words that were not said. I wasn't able to say goodbye to my grandmother, who brought me up in my early childhood, after she passed away suddenly while I was miles from home. After her death, I wrote her a letter full of everything I never had a chance to say to her and would never share with anyone else and burned it to send it to her in the same way that paper offerings are burnt for those who have passed on in Chinese culture.
It's 12 years on now, and almost all of the writing I do is still inspired in some way by my relationship and connection with my grandmother, and the grief I continue to feel for not having been able to say goodbye in her final moment. Similar to your reflection that we never really say goodbye as the departed live on in us, I feel that in this way, my grandmother lives on in me and with me through all that I feel and write about, and in the way I see and appreciate the beauty in life and living in the moment today šŖ»āļøāØ
I wrote more about my personal rituals to honour my grandmother's memory here
https://suyintan.substack.com/p/if-loneliness-was-a-flower-on-self
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your heart and memories with us, it was such a precious read for me š
Hi Suyin, thank you for the heartfelt reply! Burning the letter to your grandma is such a significant gesture, I as a Chinese can definitely feel it! It's a really nice thought to see your grandmother living through you and your actions and your writing, which I can also read. ā¤ļø
A very moving piece Rachel! One I can relate in so many ways!
You are so right that with most Chinese families, our love for each other is usually not communicated, and treated as if it is a given (and we all know that is not a very accurate assumption). I, for one, am still struggling to express my emotions verbally, and still running away from emotional intimacy every chance I get.
Not too long ago, I wrote a piece about my mom, and I asked my cousin who is a designer to help print it into a book, and gave it to my mom on her 90th birthday. Even for that, we managed to never talk about it :-).
https://immigrantsjourney.substack.com/p/loves-refrain.
Thanks for sharing your story about your love and memory of your dad!
Thank you for sharing this! I also resonate with how you describe the non-verbal means of communication between Chinese families. I love that you wrote a series on your mum and I look forward to reading it too šø
Rachel - I feel like I know you so well after reading this! What I know about you: you are very strong for all the balancing acts you had to do. Being a mother, wife, and daughter all at the same time while grieving is not an easy thing.
How I deal with grief: writing. looking at pictures. keeping people alive in my mind and trying to celebrate them by remembering what they taught me.
Please keep writing!