“They are those whose first question when they see you is, “Have you eaten yet?” Regardless of your answer, you’ll be offered more food because “you look so thin, you need to eat more.” Even if you have gained weight, they won’t refrain from informing you and then feed you more anyway.”
Yes, that pretty much described my mom, grandmothers, aunts, … basically all the Chinese mother-figures in my life! 😃
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic. Being raised multicultural myself, I too have had no other choice than to raise my children in a multi cultural way. I don't see it as a contradiction; it's more like a pick and choose. I make sure to integrate something from each culture I was raised in and hope they grow up to be world citizens.
I also pick and choose the "best" of both/many worlds. But sometimes I get unsure of my choice (due to the contradictions?), even though I know it's the best :) and yes to world citizens!
Rachel, I loved this post! I loved the way you walked us through your family heritage—I felt like I was getting to know a new friend. I also was struck by the pressures of raising a multi cultural family that I hadn’t thought about. I feel a little dumb having not thought of them, but I didn’t think about the pressure to have multilingual children. I wish I had more of that pressure! (Actually, I just wish my kids had been in a place where being multilingual was easier—ie: there were more languages spoken around them.) Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.
Thanks Rebecca! It's probably normal not to think about the pressure of others, don't we have enough of our own already? :) that's why we can read and learn about others, and through that also learn a thing or two! Don't give up on multilingualism even if it is difficult. I know it's a battle, but for someone who grew up multilingual, I see what a gift it was and am always grateful for it!
Alas it is too late for my boys, they are 18 and 20 now and will have to find it on their own. But I think they will. And in response to where we feel contradictions in motherhood—I remember when the boys were small feeling like motherhood held life and death in it. I felt as though a part of me had died, an old way of being, sort of crashing through the world with bravado and confidence, and when I had small children I felt so open and vulnerable, and furious, at the same time, at anyone who came at me with criticism. I liked meeting these new (or maybe old) wild sides of myself. I felt more vulnerable and more confident at the same time and it was a whole new world. Now I feel like all of those women live inside of me—my pre-mother self, the woman with small children walking around with her heart in her hands, biting anyone who didn’t appreciate it, and the woman whose kids are older and is freer to be more and more and more herself. Thanks for reminding me of all of this with your letters and soulful writing!
There are SO many contradictions to motherhood. My mother was the breadwinner growing up and so I learned that women can hold financial power. I have tried to teach my son Mandarin Chinese but alas, life has other plans and that didn't take priority. But I do try to instill in him an appreciation of Chinese culture, explore his curiosity, and that he can fully express his emotions.
Yes, life does have its many plans, we can only do so much :) It is already a blessing for your to learn about the Chinese culture, while encouraged to be curious and to express himself. You are doing good there, Mama!
Yes, like Yi, I can totally relate to my mom asking me "Have you eaten yet?" and to ask that question myself as an expat living in SEA to the myriad of people I regularly come across. It's Asia's equivalent to Western's "How are you?"
I'm not a mother, as it wasn't a calling for me. It's also possible I can't have children as I've never gotten pregnant. In any case, I can tell how much you want to do EVERYTHING for them. It makes sense that you want the best aspects of each culture.
As a teacher who has taught all ages, I will say, be forgiving of yourself and gentle, too. But you know that already, xo
This made me think of an interview I read with Celeste Ng saying she wrote her novel “Little Fires Everywhere” because she was worried that being a creative parent might mean she was not being present for her daughter all the time, and how her novel was an answer to that— "The truth is that many women — myself included — have complicated and even contradictory feelings about motherhood. It doesn't serve anyone to pretend motherhood is a uni-faceted concept. One of my goals is to try and create that space for myself and for other writers, and women, who want to acknowledge that."
I feel like that’s what your doing with this essay too! 🔥
“They are those whose first question when they see you is, “Have you eaten yet?” Regardless of your answer, you’ll be offered more food because “you look so thin, you need to eat more.” Even if you have gained weight, they won’t refrain from informing you and then feed you more anyway.”
Yes, that pretty much described my mom, grandmothers, aunts, … basically all the Chinese mother-figures in my life! 😃
Haha right! They are so adorable. I wonder if I will end up like that someday :) and why not, food is a love language!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic. Being raised multicultural myself, I too have had no other choice than to raise my children in a multi cultural way. I don't see it as a contradiction; it's more like a pick and choose. I make sure to integrate something from each culture I was raised in and hope they grow up to be world citizens.
I also pick and choose the "best" of both/many worlds. But sometimes I get unsure of my choice (due to the contradictions?), even though I know it's the best :) and yes to world citizens!
Rachel, I loved this post! I loved the way you walked us through your family heritage—I felt like I was getting to know a new friend. I also was struck by the pressures of raising a multi cultural family that I hadn’t thought about. I feel a little dumb having not thought of them, but I didn’t think about the pressure to have multilingual children. I wish I had more of that pressure! (Actually, I just wish my kids had been in a place where being multilingual was easier—ie: there were more languages spoken around them.) Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.
Thanks Rebecca! It's probably normal not to think about the pressure of others, don't we have enough of our own already? :) that's why we can read and learn about others, and through that also learn a thing or two! Don't give up on multilingualism even if it is difficult. I know it's a battle, but for someone who grew up multilingual, I see what a gift it was and am always grateful for it!
Alas it is too late for my boys, they are 18 and 20 now and will have to find it on their own. But I think they will. And in response to where we feel contradictions in motherhood—I remember when the boys were small feeling like motherhood held life and death in it. I felt as though a part of me had died, an old way of being, sort of crashing through the world with bravado and confidence, and when I had small children I felt so open and vulnerable, and furious, at the same time, at anyone who came at me with criticism. I liked meeting these new (or maybe old) wild sides of myself. I felt more vulnerable and more confident at the same time and it was a whole new world. Now I feel like all of those women live inside of me—my pre-mother self, the woman with small children walking around with her heart in her hands, biting anyone who didn’t appreciate it, and the woman whose kids are older and is freer to be more and more and more herself. Thanks for reminding me of all of this with your letters and soulful writing!
There are SO many contradictions to motherhood. My mother was the breadwinner growing up and so I learned that women can hold financial power. I have tried to teach my son Mandarin Chinese but alas, life has other plans and that didn't take priority. But I do try to instill in him an appreciation of Chinese culture, explore his curiosity, and that he can fully express his emotions.
Yes, life does have its many plans, we can only do so much :) It is already a blessing for your to learn about the Chinese culture, while encouraged to be curious and to express himself. You are doing good there, Mama!
Yes, like Yi, I can totally relate to my mom asking me "Have you eaten yet?" and to ask that question myself as an expat living in SEA to the myriad of people I regularly come across. It's Asia's equivalent to Western's "How are you?"
I'm not a mother, as it wasn't a calling for me. It's also possible I can't have children as I've never gotten pregnant. In any case, I can tell how much you want to do EVERYTHING for them. It makes sense that you want the best aspects of each culture.
As a teacher who has taught all ages, I will say, be forgiving of yourself and gentle, too. But you know that already, xo
Hi Lani, have you eaten yet? :)
Thank you, yes I know that already but it's good to be reminded to be compassionate to myself :) xo
I have eaten, thanks. 😊 Here’s to a self-care filled weekend! xo
This made me think of an interview I read with Celeste Ng saying she wrote her novel “Little Fires Everywhere” because she was worried that being a creative parent might mean she was not being present for her daughter all the time, and how her novel was an answer to that— "The truth is that many women — myself included — have complicated and even contradictory feelings about motherhood. It doesn't serve anyone to pretend motherhood is a uni-faceted concept. One of my goals is to try and create that space for myself and for other writers, and women, who want to acknowledge that."
I feel like that’s what your doing with this essay too! 🔥
Thank you, Clare!
Yes, it's true that we are not define by just one role, admittedly it's a very demanding role to be a mother. I'll check out Celeste, thanks! :)